sweet boy and sweet life

An angelic-looking little man sleeps on the Boppy pillow tucked firmly under my chest--he's on the "milk nod". This may be a long or short break from nursing where he nods off, one little hand pulled up in front of his face, while he lays on his side facing me. Talk about instinctual response--I never imagined I'd be so completely head-over-heels-immediately-in-love with this child.

I watch expressions play across his face as he dreams--babies go into REM sleep first, then light sleep. Interesting. I wonder what he dreams of? The womb? An unlimited supply of milk? Past lives? From time to time his lips turn down and he looks like he might start to cry, then he goes back to the contemplative look with his lips slightly parted, hand resting on his chin like a little thinker. Then a small smile plays across his face, occasionally he arches his eyebrows and his forehead furrows. Who is this little man asleep against my breast?

Yesterday we took him to a small party. I amazed myself by how focused on him I stayed--that's not to say I wasn't social, I was, a bit, but he and I are very linked at the moment. I think it kind of annoyed one of my old friends--I'm a bit like a t.v. or radio that keeps switching stations. I understand--I never "got" the kid thing until now. I don't intend to stop being me or having a life outside him, but, right now, he's brand new in this world and his father and I are his sources of comfort and security, and I am his food source, so being intently tuned to him feels like how it should be. I worry about what it will be like to return to work. I would give anything to be able to work from home at least half-time if not more.

I almost cried yesterday--one of the women at the party is hooked into an intentional community in MO that does instinctual birthing and midwifery. She told me that the women of the community howled for me and Miles at the last ritual she attended there--she put my name out for prayers because she knew about me through a mutual friend. Add to that all the ritual, chanting, prayer, good thoughts and other assistance we've received from friends (some I've only met online) and family, and I can only feel incredibly blessed. I'm trying to eloquently write it all down for Miles. I want him to know that life is a blessed thing, that he came into the world with so much love and support, and that's how life is--sweet, blessed and love comes from many sources if you open your eyes and your heart. I've often felt like I live under a blessed star...random good things happen, blessings appear when needed, kindness turns up in unexpected places and love is abundant. I hope I can foster that belief in Miles.

More to say, but the day's slipping away and my little man has begun to stir.