yep...still pregnant...

It's just before 4 a.m. and I can't sleep--yet I'm exhausted.

Still. Gestating. Nine days to go...give or take. No signs of labor yet. To use an Aunt Charlene-ism (which is kind of an extension of my mom), I'm as crabby as an old bear. (And if you know my old bear, M.R., you know just how crabby that can be...)

I've been feeling rather lonely and hormonal of late. I am so not built for too many days at home in my own head. Even though G is here, he's working all the time. Too much time to myself tends to bring out the moody, depressed part of me. I'm sure some of it also owes to the tremendous things going on inside my body right now.

I vascillate between awed and excited and downright terrified and overwhelmed. I'm not one of those people who always planned on this, knew I'd be a mom, etc. I'm entering the Mommy Realm with slightly more trepidation. I know I'll be fine and expect I'll take to it, but it doesn't allay the fears that I've taken a wrong turn and misjudged myself. Having said that, after watching two hours of birthing films last night and bawling through the whole thing, I definitely do have some maternal instinct. I found myself awed and drawn to the tiny souls, fresh and new, just entering this world.

So. I wait. And worry because it is my nature. And find amazement in the experience. And marvel that my feet can really swell *that* much.

And at this moment, I sit here with my grouchy Mama Bear self trying to decide what to do--go back to bed, do some tidying and cleaning, go arrange flowers for the market, read...I think I'll try bed first. Maybe even the hammock in the backyard--it's that warm here.

Sorry to be such a grump. Oh, hormones. Oh, cranky Virgo. Oh, Goddess, can you please give me a little shot of upbeat, positive ju-ju? Not that "it's all good" thing, but the honest-to-goodness-feel-the-good-stuff-in-my-bones-awe? I don't want to miss the joy of the experience. I just need a little boost right now.

Blessed be.