lots of thoughts...

Mother's Day--Guy made my day. He insisted on making me breakfast in bed. What a honey. I actually didn't wake up until nearly 11 a.m. Odd for me but the sun didn't come out this morning and my sleep cycle is completely shot.

This is the second Mother's Day without my mom. I thought about her a lot today. Some of you met her. Goofy sense of humor, kind heart, easy-going and my best friend and champion always. Even when I did really *stupid* things. I always knew she'd be in my corner no matter what--I will pass that gift on to my child. To know that you are loved in the world, unconditionally, feeds the spirit in a way nothing else can.

Tomorrow the midwife and doctor come to our house for a home visit. I'll find out then if I get to go back to work, and under what conditions, before the baby is born. I am torn. I miss being out in the world and I don't want to shoot all my paid leave, especially with the possibility that I might need surgery after the baby is born. I feel weird not working. However, I feel the Universe whacked me with a 2-by-4 two times--the first, frustrating, but not so bad. The second hurt. I am getting the sense that I need to slow way down and stay that way until the baby comes. I'd rather not have to do the lesson again and, certainly, I never want to be as sick as I was last week.

I also want to savor the experience of being pregnant. I would be very surprised if I do this again. I'm sure it will all be worth it, but I'm also sure that I may not want to do it more than once. I grew up like an only child (brother is 17 years older) and it was fine.

Outside my window the sky turns light pink, purple and shades of blue. I can hear trafic picking up interspersed with the sound of the birds. Diggy snorts and stirs from time to time as he sees traffic on the road he considers his own. Luci remains curled in a ring in her doggy bed. I have been awake since 4 a.m.--it's nearing 6 a.m.--and I expect sleep will come again soon.

Saturday marked a big day for me. I actually went to the farmers' market to visit mid-morning. It felt good to see people and chat. I am such a social creature. And it didn't hurt that it was about 80 degrees, sunny and amazing. Saturday evening we actually went to Teller's (and yes, I behaved on the diet--it's easy there--jasmine rice, steamed zucchini--yum). Friday I even went to the grocery store. I have to admit, I got really tired, but it felt good to be out under my own steam. I realized, as I tried to engage the geeky kid at the deli counter at the grocery in conversation that I needed social contact.

Today I'm hunting down an accupuncturist to work on the gall bladder issue; also got more information about holistic stuff that won't cause any problems with pregnancy (nutritional stuff) so I'm taking care of that as well. If I feel up to it, I'm going to tackle the baby room. We have so much stuff for him now, and I'm getting serious nesting instinct, I need to get it organized, etc. He'll sleep in our room, but I want to have all the baby stuff and his "space" ready.

What I wouldn't give for a big cup of Kaldi's coffee. Sigh. Tastes wrong and tummy says, "NO!" I look forward to re-starting that ritual once I have the baby and the gall bladder straightens out. Oh, please, no frowns. I can follow a strict diet, give up most fats (cheese I like but could bid it farewell, could never touch milk again cheerfully), but I love that one, flavorful, rich cup of coffee.

Of all the times of the year to be slowed down and sitting out, I believe, at least for me, this is the loveliest. I've been able to pay such attention to the detail of Spring as she arrives. I notice what happens with the flowers day-to-day. My peonies have been hanging in suspended animation for more than a week and now the blossoms swell, a bit of colors show and they feel like marshmallows to the touch. The dame's rocket appeared about a week ago--everywhere from flower beds to the yard to the neighbors brush pile to random spots in the field. The heirloom iris began to bloom over the weekend--a golden with touches of deep red and purple, a peach, purple so dark it's almost black... Columbine has been going for about three weeks. My lilacs lasted about two or three weeks later than most. We have a resident mocking bird. Most of the trees in the backyard turned green weeks ago--the honey locust lags behind a bit.

Terrible thing to have to pay attention to the world...not. How many times have I longed to spend a spring afternoon in my hammock instead of my cubicle? Huge blessing. I have to trust that somehow we'll figure out the money part of things.

I also had a very good experience with the hospital birthing center staff, should we have to transfer there, and that really helped me not be so freaked about planning for that possibility. I still want to be at home, but if we have to transfer for a medical reason, I felt so well-taken-care-of and my beliefs respected that I can handle it.

I don't want to even guess how much five days in the hospital cost. I know the anti-nausea medication they gave me is crazy-expensive. Blessing: we have insurance. At most, it will cost me about $325.

So, I hope to not repeat anything quite so intense again, but I can see the blessings in everything that's been going on and I think it's important for me to acknowledge it. Especially on those days I have a meltdown and need to go back and re-read my journal and remind myself that, yes, there are positives in it all.