nothing to report...

Still gestating. Lots of wiggly baby movement. Heartburn. Restlessness. No contractions.

Hrmph.

status quo...

Still gestating. Very tired. Alternating between obsessive cleaning and complete exhaustion.I'm doing fine, baby is fine (had another good appointment with the doc this week--growth, heartbeat, etc. on-target)...

If we follow family tradition, the baby will be born Monday. G's mother gave birth the day after her birthday (to his sister) and my mother had me the day after my father's birthday...

I think I'd like to hold off a bit longer, a little closer to the due date...and once my house is in a little bit better order. I'm at that point of cleaning and reorganizing where I need another day or so to get everything that I've dragged out to sort beaten back into submission. Good news: I've created lots of storage space by getting rid of crap. Bad news: Still lots of stuff to be relegated to said space.

We're off to dinner tonight to celebrate Guy's fortieth birthday tomorrow. Looking forward to some time to hang out together...we always have such a lovely time...and we're trying out a new restaurant run by a fellow Guy's known for a long time who is apparently an excellent chef.

I wonder when our boy will make his appearance? A mix of anxiety and excitement and nervousness and hope and...

Cresting whale of a baby (Moby Dick)

Seems Sprout periodically assumes the correct position. If Lisa leans back and tightens her abdomen, we can see his back cresting along her watermelon belly. I am Ahab pursuing him across the oceans of amniotic fluid as we circumnavigate the globe of Lisa's swollen mid-section. He is beating along in a strobe lit 140 b.p.m. Moby mobile. I am close behind riding my Gravely Super Convertible like a surf board. This goes on night after night. Mom rubbing her belly.

Resounding Ultrasound

So the months have passed, it was spitting snow when we met at Boone Imaging Center. We waited nervously and were then escorted into a darkened room. We mostly wanted to know everything was o.k. Everything in the right place, a brain, four chambered heart and no horns.

Lisa could not really see much and for some ignorant legal reason they don't video tape the ultrasound. So I sat holding her feet and watching fuzzy images swim across the screen. Mostly I couldn't tell what anything was but occasionally an arm, leg or head would swim into clarity. My breath would catch, my eyes well up and my love for Lisa swell.

The technician snapped a couple of images for us; took a lot of measurements and asked us if we wanted to know if it was a boy or girl. I had convinced Lisa we didn't want to know. It was evident that the tech thought she knew. Like Schrodinger's Cat we had a potential boy AND a potential girl until someone looked and then the two probabilities would collapse into one actuality. Someone knew and so I had to know. We were having a boy.

We got all the stories about umbilical cords looking like the penis, but then when Lisa was in hospital with her gall bladder attack they had to do an ultrasound of her gall bladder and that tech was nice enough to show us Sprout and there was that penis again. "Click" another fuzzy photo that's hard to interpret.

Strangely, the images were much less "real" to me than that 140 beats per minute we hear every time we go to the doctor.

So we stumble out into the light and light snow with knowledge and grins and disbelief and joy.

anticipation...(sung in Carly Simon's voice)

Still gestating.

(taps foot impatiently)

(stares at belly intently)

Yep.

Waiting.

(looks expectantly at stomach as a foot makes a little ripple)

Gestating.

waiting...and cleaning...and waiting...

Three weeks until my due date. Three. Yep. Still gestating. And cleaning. And organizing. And getting all our accounts and financial stuff in order.

Yep. Still gestating

(taps foot impatiently and looks at the caledar)

gestating...

I'm gestating. Yep. Still gestating. Hmmm.

Yep. Still. Gestating. Just hanging out. Gestating.

Don't seem to be having any contractions...just pressure down low and the baby looks and feels like he's dropped.

Still. Gestating. Getting a touch impatient, mostly because I'm physically feeling more uncomfortable.

Had a good doctor's appointment on Thursday. Everything is on-track, she was happy with my overall blood pressure readings, growth, heartbeats, etc. all exactly as they should be. (insert sigh of contented relief)

Blood pressure has stayed in check; gall bladder has stayed calm, despite a few food choices that might have challenged it (I hadn't had fries from Murry's in forever and they were so good...), so I can't complain too much. Turns out the stress level at work has been higher so it's good that I'm out of the loop. I did get cleared to work from home, so, if I don't have the baby next week, I'll be doing some editing and proofing from home. I look forward to it. I love to edit and the co-worker I work with is good at what he does and perfectly reasonable. It makes for a very pleasant situation.

Yesterday I had the mad cleaning fit--spent from about 5 a.m. until 10 p.m. cleaning and organizing. I've been told that is often a precursor to labor. I woke up crazy-early, the house was nice and cool and I thought I'd get started while the day was pleasant, knock off for the heat of the day (we don't have central air, just a couple of window units that aren't yet installed), then get back to it later in the day. It never got hot, I got on a roll...did lots of organizing things in a way that will make it easy for friends, doulas, etc. to find stuff. I've done all the necessary prep for the home birth so that feels good.

There's more to do, but I won't have a complete meltdown with people coming in the house now. (I get very embarassed and overwhelmed when the house gets out of control...)

Turns out the doulas will photograph the birth--this is something that we want to do. I am so pleased. I won't be posting the very personal ones on the Web, but I wanted to document it for us.

can't sleep...

The night sky fell into the field outside my window. I'm convinced. Hundreds of fireflies blink their way across the gardens, flowers, around the lagoon...it really looks like the stars fell into the field and now search for the way back into the sky. Or maybe they're just happy to be someplace new. Quite a stunning sight. Every once in a while, a bit of lightning breaks the night...full sky flashes, no bolts. The heat of the day lingered to the point that we're sleeping with all the windows open, a fan and no covers.

Summer draws nearer.

It is just past 4 a.m. and I'm awake, as has become my custom. I do love this time of day and the quiet.

Yesterday was a busy day and I didn't get a lot of rest. I can tell. I'm definitely swollen a bit...my hands feel a little too tight and my wedding ring, which has been living on my pinky, has even left an impression there. I think I've developed a urinary tract infection so I'm the Queen of Cranberries right now.

News flash: Queen of Cranberries Disappears in Starry Field
The Queen of Cranberries wandered into a field appearing to be filled with stars. No one knows what drew her there...potential adventure, the desire to hold a blinking star in her hand, or a rampant desire to mark her territory prior to birth have all been alleged but, as of now, no corroboration of any theory can be made. A medium-sized blonde dog named Luci flanked her into the field and the hound has been known to growl at strangers. Both the woman and dog should be approached with caution as the Queen is gestating and known to be hormonal, cranky and possibly armed with a razor tongue. More details as the story develops...

feeling better...but not sure I'll make it to June 13...

Less exhausted and feeling more like myself. Saturday I just felt like I had no energy at all. Went to the market, dropped off flowers, purchased the must-have birth supplies for home, then went home and slept a good portion of the afternoon. Guy came home and had managed to sell lots of flowers at market, then sell even more to florists after the market. We even have an order for eight bouquets on Monday for a local foods store. Very nice.

Guy and I ended up watching lots of homeowner's porn (HGTV) late on Saturday afternoon, then went to Lowe's. Scary, but we kept it in check and just picked up a couple of things we needed to fix a toilet and shower. I actually felt okay so we trekked off to Q's, a higher-end Chinese place, for dinner. It was a lovely, domestic evening. We really enjoyed each other's company and relaxed. Guy relaxed when he saw that I'm okay, just tired, and my blood pressure remained good.

I am feeling the nesting instinct and concern that Sprout will arrive before we have everything ready. Now that I have all the stuff we're supposed to have on-hand, I feel better, but I still have stuff I would like to get done. I'm hoping for at least a couple more weeks.

odd feeling....

Odd feeling today. No contractions or any signs of imminent baby (it's exactly one month from my due date) but I just feel a little weird. I don't think he will wait until June 13. Let's see, finished dishes and put them away, took an hour-long epsom soak, went back to bed, napped, did a few things online, napped, finally did a couple of errands because the critter food had run out and today was market-prep day for G. Felt so funky and tired, I did the minimum (critter food, bank deposit, one quick purchase) and came home. BP is okay; was borderline at last check. I guess it's just hitting month 9 of pregnancy. All my energy is gone. I could easily lay in bed all day.

Nervous and excited about the arrival of the baby. I'm not ready yet. I know. I probably won't ever feel really ready, but I have to finish the birth plans, get the items that we're supposed to have on-hand and take care of a few odds and ends around the house that need to be done in preparation. I have had the luxury of so much quiet time; I know that's about to change. I wonder what he'll be like, his personality, if I can really do this...all the standard stuff. G got very excited last night as he watched my tummy move. I love the way it feels.

Tomorrow I will transport flowers to the market for Guy--we have a ridiculous amount of stuff. I hope it sells. Peonies, iris (some just crazy colors), false indigo, Dame's Rocket, daisies by the fistful, snapdragons, a tiny bit of foxglove (gorgeous) and some other random stuff. I hope the day goes well. I won't stay at the market to sell--my body is definitely sending me the stay home and rest signals and I feel like I need to get ready.

life and how to live it

Days moving past bit by bit. Yesterday I had a couple of appointments that kept me out a good part of the middle of the day. Arrived home exhausted, made some lentil and garbanzo soup (doctored a can of Indian lentil soup) with fresh spinach and carrots, and fell over. As per usual, I woke up in the middle of the night and ended up reading for an hour or two. It helps to not have to get up and go to work...

Crazy weather yesterday...funnel clouds, hail...we didn't have significant hail at the house, thank goodness, but it reminded me of so many times growing up as my dad would watch the weather go out of control and watch a season's work and profit go down the tubes.

Working on a big pot of lentil soup today...lots of protein, no fat, should be good for the diet...still juggling the dietary stuff. I feel better with a little less protein and I'm trying to get protein from legumes and stuff other than dairy and meat.

I'm working on not freaking out about the whole blood pressure thing. One of the things the doctor asked us to do was write a contingency birth plan including hospitalization and potential treatments for pre-eclampsia. As I researched and tried to figure out what needed to be included, I managed to freak myself out a bit. Today is about centering and visualizing the birth that I want. I once read (I think Marianne Williamson) about the concept of asking your friends to hold a vision for you. Later today...or soon...I'll post my vision/desire for this birth. If you'd like, I'd love to have my friends hold the vision for me as well.

not going back to work...

Well, we had the home visit with the doctor and midwife tonight. I can't go back to work. They're not happy with the fluctuations in my blood pressure. This is worrisome on the $$ front, but I have faith we'll figure it out somehow.

Earlier in the day I went to an acupuncturist and immediately felt better after the treatment. I have conflicting opinions and feelings about the high protein diet recommended by my ob/gyn for Pregnancy-Induced Hypertension and it certainly doesn't help with the gall bladder problem. The high protein approach to treating PIH is controversial. The acupuncturist felt it can only aggravate the gall bladder problem.

So. I have lots of information. My own experience. My gut. Research. How to walk the line between all these worlds?

I am going to start going back to the pool--not to do the kind of workouts I'm used to, but to submerge in the water. It's been shown to reduce hypertension and the effects last for several hours beyond the submersion. I'm trying to keep the protein, cut the fat, eat more raw food. I'll be seeing the acupuncturist once a week. Geting some Reiki tomorrow. Doing yoga at home.

I really thought I was doing much better on the blood pressure...sigh. Gall bladder is happier the less protein I ingest. My body craves movement, not stasis.

So much to assimilate, figure out...what are the right answers?

baby enjoys acupuncture
Today while I lay on the table, needles in place, the baby started to practically dance. He's been more active, and I'm more pregnant so I really feel it. I am convinced he felt the chi. It was very cool.

so here's the blessing in it
The primary is that I get to revel in being pregnant and the Spring. However, the other blessing is that things at my office are crazy stressful.It's not a bad thing that I won't be there to experience any of it. Thank you, Goddess.

sweetness...

Guy brought me fresh flowers--pale purple and white iris, gold and crimson iris and a brash, hot pink peony. He followed up with fresh asparagus to nibble. In moments, breakfast will arrive. What did I do to deserve this? What a sweetie. I am lucky. I went back to sleep this morning and didn't perk up until about 10:30 a.m. I really do intend to try to get into the baby room today. I don't know what the doctor will say tomorrow but I'm trying to get prepared for going back to work,just in case. I'm not going to push for it--and I have a feeling the doctor may be very conservative. We'll see.

lots of thoughts...

Mother's Day--Guy made my day. He insisted on making me breakfast in bed. What a honey. I actually didn't wake up until nearly 11 a.m. Odd for me but the sun didn't come out this morning and my sleep cycle is completely shot.

This is the second Mother's Day without my mom. I thought about her a lot today. Some of you met her. Goofy sense of humor, kind heart, easy-going and my best friend and champion always. Even when I did really *stupid* things. I always knew she'd be in my corner no matter what--I will pass that gift on to my child. To know that you are loved in the world, unconditionally, feeds the spirit in a way nothing else can.

Tomorrow the midwife and doctor come to our house for a home visit. I'll find out then if I get to go back to work, and under what conditions, before the baby is born. I am torn. I miss being out in the world and I don't want to shoot all my paid leave, especially with the possibility that I might need surgery after the baby is born. I feel weird not working. However, I feel the Universe whacked me with a 2-by-4 two times--the first, frustrating, but not so bad. The second hurt. I am getting the sense that I need to slow way down and stay that way until the baby comes. I'd rather not have to do the lesson again and, certainly, I never want to be as sick as I was last week.

I also want to savor the experience of being pregnant. I would be very surprised if I do this again. I'm sure it will all be worth it, but I'm also sure that I may not want to do it more than once. I grew up like an only child (brother is 17 years older) and it was fine.

Outside my window the sky turns light pink, purple and shades of blue. I can hear trafic picking up interspersed with the sound of the birds. Diggy snorts and stirs from time to time as he sees traffic on the road he considers his own. Luci remains curled in a ring in her doggy bed. I have been awake since 4 a.m.--it's nearing 6 a.m.--and I expect sleep will come again soon.

Saturday marked a big day for me. I actually went to the farmers' market to visit mid-morning. It felt good to see people and chat. I am such a social creature. And it didn't hurt that it was about 80 degrees, sunny and amazing. Saturday evening we actually went to Teller's (and yes, I behaved on the diet--it's easy there--jasmine rice, steamed zucchini--yum). Friday I even went to the grocery store. I have to admit, I got really tired, but it felt good to be out under my own steam. I realized, as I tried to engage the geeky kid at the deli counter at the grocery in conversation that I needed social contact.

Today I'm hunting down an accupuncturist to work on the gall bladder issue; also got more information about holistic stuff that won't cause any problems with pregnancy (nutritional stuff) so I'm taking care of that as well. If I feel up to it, I'm going to tackle the baby room. We have so much stuff for him now, and I'm getting serious nesting instinct, I need to get it organized, etc. He'll sleep in our room, but I want to have all the baby stuff and his "space" ready.

What I wouldn't give for a big cup of Kaldi's coffee. Sigh. Tastes wrong and tummy says, "NO!" I look forward to re-starting that ritual once I have the baby and the gall bladder straightens out. Oh, please, no frowns. I can follow a strict diet, give up most fats (cheese I like but could bid it farewell, could never touch milk again cheerfully), but I love that one, flavorful, rich cup of coffee.

Of all the times of the year to be slowed down and sitting out, I believe, at least for me, this is the loveliest. I've been able to pay such attention to the detail of Spring as she arrives. I notice what happens with the flowers day-to-day. My peonies have been hanging in suspended animation for more than a week and now the blossoms swell, a bit of colors show and they feel like marshmallows to the touch. The dame's rocket appeared about a week ago--everywhere from flower beds to the yard to the neighbors brush pile to random spots in the field. The heirloom iris began to bloom over the weekend--a golden with touches of deep red and purple, a peach, purple so dark it's almost black... Columbine has been going for about three weeks. My lilacs lasted about two or three weeks later than most. We have a resident mocking bird. Most of the trees in the backyard turned green weeks ago--the honey locust lags behind a bit.

Terrible thing to have to pay attention to the world...not. How many times have I longed to spend a spring afternoon in my hammock instead of my cubicle? Huge blessing. I have to trust that somehow we'll figure out the money part of things.

I also had a very good experience with the hospital birthing center staff, should we have to transfer there, and that really helped me not be so freaked about planning for that possibility. I still want to be at home, but if we have to transfer for a medical reason, I felt so well-taken-care-of and my beliefs respected that I can handle it.

I don't want to even guess how much five days in the hospital cost. I know the anti-nausea medication they gave me is crazy-expensive. Blessing: we have insurance. At most, it will cost me about $325.

So, I hope to not repeat anything quite so intense again, but I can see the blessings in everything that's been going on and I think it's important for me to acknowledge it. Especially on those days I have a meltdown and need to go back and re-read my journal and remind myself that, yes, there are positives in it all.

much better mood...

Uneventful days of recuperating. Yesterday I basked in the hammock under the cloudless sky. If I had to be off work like this, I certainly got the most gorgeous time of year.

Today I actually left the house...I kind of overdid it...but it was nice to be out of the confines for a bit. I had a doctor's appointment at 3 p.m. so I ran some errands and even made it to the grocery store. I can really tell how inactive and unfed I've been--I'm exhausted. I couldn't eat much today--gall bladder seemed to be sending warning signals and I decided it's better to be very conservative.

Odd to not be hungry, to not want food, to avoid it (don't worry, I'm being good, I know the baby needs it and I'm doing the best I can to cram as much nutrition into as little food as possible)...a new relationship for me.

I went for a spinal adjustment today (my DO and ob/gyn are in the same practice) and met a woman in the waiting room who went through complications at the end of her pregnancy. I'm finding the bedrest thing is not as uncommon as I would have thought--it helped to talk to someone who recently went through it. This woman had a professional job, lots of responsibilities, etc.--she told me she thought it was her body's way of forcing her to slow down. Yep. I hear that, sister. Anyway, it was nice. And I'm starved for social interaction so it was nice to talk to a real human to whom I'm not married. (I love my husband and he's great to talk to but I am a social creature...)

very grumpy...

It is the middle of the night and, as is becoming my custom, I cannot sleep. So I write. Or attempt to with 17 pounds of Lynx-point, raccoon-stripped Siamese in my lap trying desperately to put her none-too-clean rump on the keyboard of my sparkly work-owned laptop. I love the stripey cat and don’t want to dissuade, but if these words don’t pour out of my head and hands, I may go crazy.

I have been in limbo for weeks and weeks. The most recent episode, a five-day stay in the hospital when my gall bladder freaked out. Nausea. Violent vomiting. Inability to stay upright without feeling like I was going to hurl. My big victory, consumption of a few bites of jello to be followed by ingestion of broth. I lost 10-15 pounds. I tried to avoid most of the experience by sleeping. I’ve never been quite that ill and never hospitalized. The doctors would like to maintain my gall bladder until Sprout makes his entrance to the world, then rip out the gall bladder.

I had just gotten back to work after a couple weeks bedrest for high blood pressure—more accurately pregnancy-induced hypertension. I’ve always had excellent blood pressure. Admirable. Enviable. Then, true to form for something like twenty percent of all women, my blood pressure went wonky. Nothing like going from doing prenatal yoga a few days a week, teaching and taking water aerobics, walking and behaving like a strong, vibrant woman to laying on the couch cramming protein and water down my throat. I tried to handle it graciously, but I really relished the notion of returning to my grey cubicle.

The return lasted two days. On day three, I picked up breakfast on the way to work, nibbled it over the course of hours and began throwing up. Mid-day I went home. The following day I landed in the hospital, after a torturous day of puking, waiting to go to the doctor, getting to the doctor’s early because I was so sick, going to the ER, waiting, waiting…

I am frustrated. And I feel stifled. Oooky. Weird. Discombobulated. I float. Time and schedules mean nothing. I can’t sleep normally. I have disconcerting dreams. I can’t walk very far without feeling exhausted. The simple act of cutting flowers for less than an hour today sent my blood pressure soaring and made me light-headed.

I’m supposed to watch everything into my mouth carefully. Now I’m not only shooting for 80-100 g of protein daily, I’m trying to keep the fat content incredibly low—preferably in the no more than 30 g/ day range, but, more realistically no more than 45 g range. It wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t have to try to choke down protein every two hours and at an alarming quantity.

hospital update

I am feeling a bit better today. It's quite exciting. I had about 1/4 cup of broth, two bites of Jello and some Sprite. Banner day. The first food I've had since Wednesday and actually kept it down. Life is good. Later today I get to graduate to bland. I'm very excited. Actually, I am pleased. If I can successfully begin to eat without pain and yakking, I may be able to get out of here and evade surgery. We'll see. It looks like I'm in until at least Tuesday. We'll see. Thank the Goddess for insurance. I don't even want to begin to guess how much this is all costing.

The surgeon stopped by today--G and I both like him--and he's still hopeful we can avoid surgery until after the baby is born. He seems to think post-baby the gall bladder will have to go, but I am hoping, with the proper diet, we can avoid it entirely. We'll see.

I am concerned about how I'm supposed to do high protein yet baby my gall bladder because many of the protein foods exacerbate the gall bladder problems. Oy vey. I have decided that before they release me I have to get the doctors to determine exactly what diet I'm following and to what degree. Along with that, I want to sit down with a nutritionist and write a plan. I will do anything to avoid having another experience like last week. I can honestly say I've never been more miserable in my life.


baby update
Sprout is wiggling and thudding and moving about and doing his thing. He's taken to giving me the real deal kicks and thumps--not so hard that it takes away my breath, but hard enough that it startles me. I often giggle like a child. There is something very sweet about the sensation. I still find it hard to believe that a little human is inside me. All the fetal monitoring has indicated that he's doing just fine. That comforts me.

I am worried about how I"m going to work out leave when the baby comes. My boss has been so supportive, but there's only so much she can do. I have to take leave for this episode and, honestly, I'm afraid to commit to much because this gall bladder thing has been so up and down and I'm afraid to plan on working part-time and and get into a project then have to dump it. There's the $$ part of it all--I can't really afford to take much unpaid leave. I have to trust that it will all work out. I will be able to bond with my son, make a gentle transition, give myself time to recover and not put us in financial jeopardy. (Yes, it really is that close but somehow we always make it.)

Oh the things one rambles about after way too much time confined, often alone, in the hospital and pregnant.

Still, I have this feeling everything will work out one way or another. I've just been entirely too blessed and well-cared-for at every turn of the bend. Even when it doesn't turn out looking quite how I'd expected...

in the hospital

Greetings to you from my fifth floor perch at the hospital. In the distance I can see the lights of the city--kind of cool--and the otherworldly garish glow of Monster Walmart.

I'm okay. Baby is fine. Gall bladder sucks. Today I get to try eating and drinking clear liquids to see if I can actually keep something down. The plan is to see if they can keep my gall bladder calm enough to make it through the pregnancy. Apparently the poor thing is rife with stones and sludge and has significant thickening of the wall. Nope, never had problems with it before. The monster protein diet probably sent me over the edge.

So, Monday they will decide. I'm hoping to NOT have surgery until post-baby. But I also don't want to have another experience like I had on Wednesday and Thursday. Very awful. Still feeling quite up and down, and haven't ingested a thing since then, but so much better. I've never had quite such an experience and hope not to repeat it.

Starting to feel a little blinky, so I'll say goodnight or good morning for now.