long overdue update...

For those of you who haven't heard, I've been on modified bedrest for the past week. The doctor had me get a blood pressure cuff and I had hoped to return to work tomorrow (April 21). Not happening. My readings have been too erratic so she wants me to hold out a couple more days at least.

Sigh. I am trying to embrace it, but my house screams for cleaning, the piles of baby stuff scream for a place to be truly put away and I need some external stimulation. I am learning that perhaps I shouldn't grouse about my job so much...I kind of like being out in the world every day and I love interacting with people. My boss has been just incredible which has alleviated some of my stress. Many blessings to her--I feel incredibly lucky to be so supported.

G has been incredible. Supportive. Doing everything. Indulgent. This is the worst possible time of the year for me to be completely incapacitated, yet he's just so very, very understanding. He's going to make a wonderful dad.

The good news is that, other than elevated blood pressure, I'm showing no signs of pre-eclampsia. My blood and urine tests came back showing my kidneys functioning fine and no excess protein leaving my body. I'm not unduly swollen. So, in the grand scheme of things, I'm doing just fine. Just a little frustrated. If putting up with bedrest makes a healthy baby and me, avoids the hospital and keeps any further complications from developing, I can do it.

Did I mention I have to consume 100 grams of protein and 1 gallon of water per day? I think I may be a vegetarian, maybe even a vegan, when this is all done. For a girl who loves good food, I am living in a new world. Food has become soley a source of fuel. I see why the Atkin's Diet works for people--eating so much protein makes it nearly impossible to consume much else. I feel full all the time. Food sounds positively gross. Oy vey.

The other good news is that the baby has checked out just fine at all the various visits to the doctor in the past couple of weeks--excellent heartbeat, lots of movement, growth on-track...so, again, in perspective, all is well. He seems to break dance when I eat, particularly cold things.

The Fairy Godmothers got together to throw us a shower almost two weeks ago--it was lovely, lots of wonderful wishes for Sprout, some beautiful pages for a baby book, and a kite to decorate the wall of his room with wishes attached to the tail. We got some lovely gifts and we have the $$$ stashed for a breast pump purchase once Sprout arrives and we figure out what's going to work for me best (the lactation consultant has different models that I can actually try out and see how they suit me).

Sunday while I snoozed on the couch the dog alarm sounded. I figured deer or wild turkeys must be prancing around the field across the road. Wrong. At first I thought I was dreaming, but D, my friend K's partner, stood at the door. (They live in CA--so I was a bit bewildered. Turns out they've been in MO for a while.) So the two of them roll in with literally armloads of things...K told me she loves to shop for babies. It was incredibly sweet and overwhelming and just so kind. It makes me cry to write about it now. I don't know how I came to be as blessed with good friends in this life, but I am certainly thankful. I only hope that all the love and kindness folks have shown us comes back to them tenfold and then some.

Up until the last month or so, I've been reluctant to do much shopping. Almost like superstition...a little afraid to get too excited. I got over it. I started digging around on Ebay a few weeks back and got several items like a crib quilt, a little soft dangly toy that can be attached to a crib or carseat, an organizer, and various clothes. Did you know there's an entire Carter's line (now discontinued) of baby stuff based on drawings and a book done by John Lennon? I also discovered Children's Orchard, a resale shop for kid stuff that absolutely rocks. I've picked up several cute little outfits and baby hats for next to nothing. I even found the ever-elusive Baby Bjorn there (a front carrier that comes highly recommended) and picked up two for half of what one costs (one for G, one for me).

So...feeling the reality accelerating. I had hoped Sprout would come on-time or maybe even a little late, just to have time to get ready. Now I'm thinking early would be good. (It's the only "cure" for the blood pressure thing.) But, as long as he's healthy and I'm healthy, I guess I just have to sit with it and see what happens.

So, that's all the news that's fit to print.

relief...

Good news. My tests came back with no indicators of pre-eclampsia. I am on modified bedrest for a few more days, then can slowly re-introduce activity as long as I have my handy-dandy blood pressure cuff with me and call the doc if my BP goes over a certain threshold. Still have to consume 100 g of protein and 1 gallon of water per day, but I'm happy to do it if it will help and keep me mobile. Cross your fingers. I would love to be able to resume gentle activity and exercise. It's kind of like preparing to run a marathon, then having to stop training a couple of months before the event but still planning on running--and the doc agreed with me as long as my BP stays down. So we'll see. She certainly thought yoga was excellent...me too. Whew.

Baby is fine, growth is on-track, heart rate is on target...

Two more days at home, then back to the office. Remind me when I grouse about my office that it beats being on my sofa and that perhaps I like structure, schedule and being in a workplace more than I realized...

weekend update

Big, dark purple iris bloom outside my windows--they dart the beds on three sides of the house. The lilac bushes have really come on with fragrant light blossoms. Today the temperature got high enough that it almost felt hot. Ah, gorgeous, lovely Spring. It feels so good and lifts my spirits.

I planned to catch up on quite a bit of work today, but that didn't really happen. I accomplished a lot early in the day, but then got sidetracked by hanging with G (we've been in a really sweet groove and, since time is so scarce this time of year, I take every opportunity I get), then it was time for a reporter to come and interview us about why we've chosen to do a natural birth at home. When she left, I retired to the sofa, Guy went off to do some work for a couple of his clients...and about 3 p.m. the dog alarm sounded. I assumed it they were just having a moment, then the partner of an old friend I haven't seen in at least a year turned up on my doorstep. His partner was in-tow. They spent the rest of the afternoon visiting which was a wonderful break in the day--and then they carried in bag after bag full of baby stuff--I think they bought everything on our Target registry that the store had in-stock. Kassie has always been a generous soul--it was quite overwhelming and lovely.

So, it's almost 8 p.m., very little work has been accomplished and I'm journaling before I do anything else. The cool of the twilight breeze feels wonderful after the stickiness of the day. I've set up in a papasan with my feet propped and the dish of the chair angled such that I'm still reasonably reclined.

Tomorrow brings another visit to the doc--and we find out the results of another test to see if I'm actually losing a lot of protein or a little or somewhere in the middle. Today I haven't eaten much. I know. I'm working on it and devouring nuts since they're so high in protein.

frustrated and pissed...

Went to see my regular doc today to get my spine adjusted--excellent there. My back and neck feel great. However, the results of my blood test came back and the ob/gyn doc thinks I'm still not eating enough protein. I have regularly exceeded 100 grams per day--which is a lot. An average woman needs 60, they recommended 80, now it's bumped up to 100. I am very emotional at the moment so I know I'm not totally rational. I'm sick of being at home, I desperately need a massage but can't afford it, I want to perform tomorrow night (and am tempted to read from a reclined position in a chaise lounger lawn chair)...(stamps feet like angry five-year-old)...and I'm ready to lose my temper with absolutely everyone. For good reasons. For no reasons.

One of my biggest fears about this parent thing is that I am a fairly selfish person. I worry that I will have a hard time becoming the parent I want to be, the parent I should be. Right now, even though I understand that my baby needs for me to stay still and take it easy, I am so frustrated. I don't resent the baby, but I do resent the experience of being trapped at home on my back. I worry because I know that being a good parent means putting my kid first and I wonder if I have the grace to do it. I worry that I'm too selfish, too selfish. There's aspiring to be a better person and there's knowing one's self.

My whole life is changing. Am I ready? Can I do this? Am I just losing my freaking mind because I've been isolated, in my own head, eating food I'd never willingly consume in such massive amounts, not exercising and getting my natural endorphins...

wonky

I have work to do but I'm having trouble concentrating. Something about laying on my back isn't conducive. I'm restless. Achey. Trying to focus on the good stuff--fluffy cats on my belly from time to time (they tell me they're bonding with the baby), a breeze whipping through the french doors and out the windows, sunshine, a steadily-climbing thermometer for the weekend.

I just feel wonky. Off-schedule. Like a spring that keeps coiling in more energy. I need physical exercise and not being able to engage in it definitely does weird things to my system. I have been visualizing movement-- dance, swimming, teaching, Pilates, Yoga--in the hope that it will in some way help to work with this abundance of physical energy.

beloved...

I have a stunning deep purple iris in a vase on the table beside the couch. It's the first bloom of the year. My sweet beloved brought it to me as a surprise. I love irises. I love Spring. I love that man.

bedrest

Well, I'm on modified bedrest for a week. That means I can work, as long as I do it from a prone position (I love this new laptop) and it doesn't cause me too much stress. So that's good news. At least my brain won't atrophy and my leave won't dwindle because my boss, who rocks, said it's fine for me to work from home. So I'm on the couch in the formal living room, a mountain of pillows under my legs, and trying to gracefully embrace the experience. I think my ability to accomplish things, at least from a writing perspective, is actually better at home. Go figure. More later...