so tiny...

I've only managed to eat a bagel today. Queasy, queasy, queasy. I looked around online for images of the little one--I'm about six weeks now--and I found some, but also ran across a lot of very offensive uber-rightwing stuff. If you're curious, try a Google search on fetus and 6 weeks. Amazing. Our baby has a heartbeat already, the nervous system is forming right now.

hostile mommies brew grumpy babies...

So I spent the better part of the day applying for any and every job that vaguely seemed appropriate. We'll see what happens. I want to be in the best possible environment professionally, financially and emotionally while junior/ette is stewing away. It's not fair to start him or her in a stress-laced melange.

The up note: once I got upright this morning and drank a bit of flat Coke (yum-not-I don't even like soda) and had a few crackers, I felt better. Today I haven't been queasy. Hooray.

morning sickness is a misnomer...

Why is it called "morning sickness" when it lasts all damn day? Yes, I've been nauseous for more than two days and I've had quite enough already. Just as I thought I'd quelled the queasy feeling this morning, I was overcome with the feeling that I had to throw up while driving to work. It passed. (I know. I'm oversharing. I think you should be prepared for it. I'll try to warn you before espousing too much vivid stuff.And, yes, I'm drinking flat soda and eating saltines.)


I have to teach a class in a little more than an hour that involves me hopping around, exercising, smiling and being generally motivational. I can just see it, in mid-sentence I hurl and the teenage lifeguard blanches visibly then fakes a heart attack to avoid helping clean up...

So, other than that I'm doing okay. It's as if there's a Mother's Witnessing Program that you never hear about until you're pregnant. Every mother I meet who finds out I'm pregnant tells me how it's different with your child, that you fall in love, you forget the difficult parts, etc. It's comforting. Either there's some Stepford-esque cult or it's the truth. Either way, it seems rather lovely.

I've started to imagine what it must be like to be this little being steeping away in my body--I wonder what she feels? Does he know my moods? Is she developing a taste for garlic? Can he tell when I'm happy and when I'm stressed? Does she sense the dogs and cats that occupy so much of our lives (and our bed)?

Lots of books to read...hoping to have some time later to read them...

observations...

I'm definitely noticing babies, baby clothes and pregnant moms these days. How odd. On a walk through downtown yesterday I noticed a children's clothing store is going out of business. (You know, one of those $50 sweater for a toddler places.) Anyway, I saw a little blue sweater with a tiny cow and sheep on it...and wanted to dash in and buy it. I am afraid of me.

I went looking at Web sites to see what kinds of stuff you need to have for babies...and my head nearly popped off as I tried to determine what's really necessary, what's ca-ca, etc. How utterly unnerving...

doctor's office

I just happened to have an appointment with my DO yesterday (Oct. 20). The practice that she's a part of happens to have a birthing center, although she's not a "baby doctor". I go in every three or four weeks and she does cranial-sacral adjustment on my spine and neck. It's wonderful stuff. But I digress...

I got to talk with the woman who is the adminsitrator of the birthing center. (She's also a midwife and works as an assistant in the office, so I know her...and she's had seven children.) She answered some questions, loaned me some books and assured me that I know what I'm doing. (I think it went something like, "Stupid people have babies. Unhealthy people have babies. Crazy people have babies. They all do fine. You are none of those.") She also told me that reading and learning in the early stages is important because in the later stages and in labor the key word is "surrender". My control freak heart seized at that word...but it makes sense. Then she said that birth happens in the body, not the mind, and I have to let my instinctual-wild-woman-mama-bear self take over. I felt conforted by her thoughts and approach.

I go back to see Dr. W, one of the ob/gyn's, on Nov. 1. I'm fairly confident that I want a water birth. Then the question becomes at home or in the birthing center? The first hurdle is making sure I'm not "high risk". Age isn't as big a deal as I thought. If I am high risk then I have to go to the hospital.

up to this point...

I started noticing about a week and a half ago that it felt like I had knives in my nipples. This, along with the lack of a period, concerned me. However, I'm 37 and I've never had a pregnancy "scare" in my life, even when I wasn't terribly careful. About six months ago, I went off the pill because I didn't like the way it made me feel. We'd talked briefly, and nervously I might add, about breeding but then sort of shelved it. I've never been fond of the notion of trying--it just seems so inorganic. I figured we'd leave it to Fate and that most likely meant we'd continue our eccentric existence with two dogs, five cats and any other animals I could drag home and introduce to G before he could say, "No!"

Surprise.

I think I realized the likelihood I was pregnant while I was visiting my friend M on the East Coast. I know I was supposed to start my period on that vacation (and I was really grumpy about it) and I didn't. I also went to New York City for a day and absolutely loved it. I returned home wondering what I was doing living on a farm not 35 miles from where I grew up.

I really started to wonder by Friday, Oct. 15. That evening, while G cut greens after dark wearing a headlamp, I mentioned the possibility. He was shocked, not unpleasantly so, but surprised nonetheless. He thought we should both be there for me to take the test. So, after the market on Saturday, I stopped at the pharmacy and picked up a home test. I snoozed that afternoon while he went to a meeting, then, after I awoke, I took the test. Positive, a faint line in the "Congratulations, you're knocked up," window, but still a pink line.

We have this running joke, kind of a cartoonish gulp, the kind you see when the character is very nervous or scared. We looked at each other, gulped and went back to our evening. Those tests are 99% accurate.

On Monday, I called the doctor's office and they said the same thing--positive is a pretty good indicator. I did a little online research, bought another test based on what I learned, went home that evening and...well, it's obvious. Pink line in the heart-shaped window that indicates pregnancy.

We figure I probably conceived around my birthday and our anniversary Sept. 12/13 time frame. Kind of romantic, eh?